did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
