Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
