I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
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i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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