I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
