I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
