Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
