The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
