Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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