planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
