update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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