you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
two words: eviction party
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
