Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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