No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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