i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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