Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
