he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
