these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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