i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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