Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
