just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
