Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
