I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
