Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
