Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
