Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
