Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
