My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
