some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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