Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
