i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
there is puke in my bra ... again
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