Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
