Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
