the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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