This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
