But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
