I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Too much gin, very little bucket
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
