If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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