he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
