I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I want to be your penis for a week.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
