so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
