carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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