Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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