everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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