I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
