So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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