I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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