You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
