quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
