My friends, they love my intelligence
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
