Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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