so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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