I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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