So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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