So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
