Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
