I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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